To Score or Not to Score?
by Xanoka
Summary: Hamlet as a high school sports movie parody. In a parallel universe. Just because. For a writing challenge.


A/N: This was written as part of a writing challenge involving literally picking a random character, object, theme, genre and setting out of a hat. Since I ended up with a ghost, a pillow, existential angst, a sports/dance movie and a parallel universe, my course of action was clear. And absurd. Stage directions are in bold.

**The camera pans over a futuristic city scape. SFX of a clock striking thirteen. Camera zooms in on a mansion and swoops through an open window into HAMLET'S bedroom. He is hugging his pillow in distress. OPHELIA is sitting on his bed.**

OPHELIA: Hamlet, come on! The big game is tomorrow! You have to get your head in the game! You're our star player - without you we might as well not exist!

HAMLET: **Slightly muffled by pillow**. Save it, Ophelia! You don't understand!** Tragic undertone.** How could you?

OPHELIA: **Annoyed.** I understand that you're letting whatever stupid emo fit you're in get in the way of the greatest win Denmark High has ever had! **Pauses, then more gently.** Hamlet, please. I'm head cheerleader and you're making me look bad! What's the point of being the star player's girlfriend if he doesn't even play in the generic big game?

HAMLET: Go and join a convent!

OPHELIA: **Outraged.** Fine, then! Be that way! I'll go and find a _real _man. I hear Rosencrantz is free at the moment!

**OPHELIA exits, slamming door behind her.**

HAMLET: Poor Ophelia! She does not understand the dark passions of my soul! If only I could find euphoric release in whatever sport it is that I do. But, alas! Since the ghost of my father appeared to me and told me of his murder, everything is meaningless! How can I throw or kick a ball around with wild abandon, while my murdering Uncle-Step Dad is in the stalls waving his encouragement banner with blatantly fake enthusiasm? He's so two-faced, my Uncle-Step Dad. He pretends to be all, "hey, give it your best shot kiddo, and you'll do us proud! But he's obviously just trying to put me off. The bastard! And Mum just laps it up. "Oh Hamlet, try and be nicer to Claudius. He's trying really hard. He's been to all your games." Ha! _She _doesn't know. She's blind! Blind! That good luck shot of whisky he gave me before my last game? Dutch courage my foot! A flagrant act of attempted sabotage! **Broods silently.** But what's the point? No one ever listens to me! Maybe I should just give up! Shuffle off this mortal coil...

**Ghost enters, glowing eerily and wearing a _Go Denmark Wolverines! _t-shirt.**

GHOST: No, Hamlet! Don't do that!

HAMLET: The ghost of my father!

GHOST: Don't end your life! Remember, you still have to avenge my death by killing your uncle Claudius!

HAMLET: Yeah, I hate him!

GHOST: Good.

HAMLET: He's so two-faced. You know he's trying to stop me playing in my big game tomorrow?

GHOST: OK, but...

HAMLET: He even let Ophelia come and see me. when everyone who's watched _Wimbledon _knows, diffusing sexual tensions before an important sporting event is a sure way to lose!

GHOST: Right...

HAMLET: And the other day, he deliberately wore red to drop me off at training!

GHOST: Umm... OK, so?

HAMLET: So my team colour is blue! Red is the colour of our hated rivals. the _Norwegian Tigers_. He shamed me in front of my entire team! I practically can't play tomorrow!

GHOST: You know, I'm getting the feeling that you care more about your game and these imagined slights than you do about my death.

HAMLET: Don't worry, Father! I shall thwart Claudius' base attempts to sabotage my glorious victories tomorrow.

GHOST: I don't think you're even listening to me, are you?

HAMLET: Of course, Father. I shall wear the sweatband you gave me as a token of my hatred for Uncle-Step Dad Claudius and of my approaching triumph over his wiles!

GHOST: I'm wasting my time, aren't I? I'll just go.

**GHOST exits. HAMLET sinks into gloom again. Picks up the pillow and hugs it.**

HAMLET: But who knows what dastardly ploy Claudius will employ next to thwart my victory? Maybe he'll give me regular coke instead of sugar free. **Broods.** It is all hopeless.** Dramatic pose.** Woe! Maybe I should just die! To be or not to be...

**OTHER HAMLET enters.**

OTHER HAMLET: Hamlet, no!

HAMLET: Who are you, stranger? And what are you wearing?

OT: A doublet and hose. I see I have stumbled into a futuristic parallel universe version of my story. **Dramatic flourish.** For I am _Hamlet_!

HAMLET: That's my name too.

OT: I know. We are the same person, but living parallel lives. I have had a glimpse of my own future and I have come to warn you. Beware! Death and misery! I see I am just in time. You had just started the 'To Be Or Not To Be' soliloquy.

HAMLET: Excitedly. Then do you know who wins the big game tomorrow?

OT: Big? Game?

HAMLET: Yes, for you see, I am about to enter a truly epic sporting event, which will surely determine the course of the rest of my life, but my evil Uncle-Step Dad Claudius is trying to thwart my assured victory. How can I possibly stop him, O wise Other Hamlet?

**OTHER HAMLET has left mid speech. Lights fade out.**


End file.
